Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

Sr Cactus and Mistah Shit

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Inebriated on the Internet:

Thanks for the super fray update love pledge kitten bully

Ps I am siouiiiiiiio drink.


Kitten Bully

Dear Drunken Bro:

Cactus say, he inspired by yer illiterate love for another bro and thanks for da email attachment with all your credit card numbers, pin numbers and pictures of your genitals. When ya sober up, make sure ya have a doctor check dat mole out!

Happy in Orlando:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I met a great guy online! He’s awesome and we’re celebrating our fifth anniversary in a couple of months! Isn’t that awesome?

Denise, 18, Orlando, Fl

Dear Jailbait Online:

Cactus say, five years?! Who’s yer boyfriend a target of Chris Hansen? If he not, he like da boy in da plastic vagina. Ya gonna have ta let him out before he go crazy. Cactus agree with wise Chinese philosopher: “Man who touch only two boobs soon look for a third.”

Torn in Texas:

Señor Cactus:

I don’t know who to vote for. I’m afraid of McCain because he’s old and I don’t like old people. I can’t vote for Obama, because I think he’s an arab. What should I do?

Joe, 20, U of N

Dear Voter Majority:

Cactus say, you are a fuckin’ retard! Ya shouldn’t vote at all. Ya should just concentrate on breathin’ because yer braindead head can barely handle dat! Dat you go to a University in da United States is an outrage! Ya should be sent back ta grammar school and forced ta repeat da fourth grade another seven times! Cactus say, it’s da retards like you dat make da debates get dumbed down even more! And ya still don’t watch! What should ya do? Stick yer head in a fuckin’ bucket and bang wit a brick, Joe da dumbass!

Liar-Liar Pants On the Floor:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I lie to get laid. It’s so easy! Once I found this ATM receipt for $19,000. I wrote my number on the back after meeting this model in a club and she called me 10 minutes later. I told this other girl I worked for the Secret Service. Another one that I was the lead in an upcoming movie. It’s just too damned easy. Why is it so easy?

Scott, 20, Villanova

Dear Genius:

Cactus say, slow down! He writin’ all dis down! Cactus don’t have opposable thumbs!

Wasted in NYC:

Dear Señor Cactus:

Yesterday I was out with this guy I started dating. I’m a little buzzed, but totally functional behind the wheel. I took a sip from a beer I had in my lap and he starts to freak. Grabs the beer right out of my hand and throws it out the window. I’m like, fine, you think I’m drunk, but I’m not and I’m proving it by driving fine. Then I start to think, this guy is probably a faggot because he doesn’t drink at all and why am I dating him?

Irene, 20, Manhattan

Dear Waste:

Cactus say, self-preservation is not a trait reserved exclusively for homosexuals. If he still dating you, he obviously not dat concerned wit his own safety. Plus, yer probably an unbelievable bitch because ya drive in da City anyways. Oh, wait, did Cactus make a sweepin’ generalization about ya based on one tiny bit of behavior? Sorry, Cactus meant ta call ya, “cunt”.