Super Frat

Nov11

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on November 11, 2008 at 12:00 pm

Ask Señor Cactus!^TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Credit Crunch in Cali:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My girlfriend and I have been living together since freshman year. During that time, she had a part time job and helped me pay off my credit card. Now it is senior year and we are engaged. She quit her job last year and now I’m working a paid internship that will eventually become a job. Unfortunately, she is charging way too much stuff. I don’t think we can afford, but she says I owe her since she bailed me out a few years ago. How do I get her to stop spending?

Jake, 22, USC

Dear Sucker:

Cactus say, ya already signed on for dis! Whatchu tink marriage is, mon? Ya want ta get her ta stop spendin’, stop takin her lazy ass out! Also, whatchu thinkin? Since freshmon year, mon? C’mon! Dere too much pussy out dere! She already get half yer stuff if yer married! She just gettin’ a jump on you mon!

Jobless in Philly:

Dear Señor Cactus:

Now that the economy is bad, I’m back to working crap jobs. I have a degree in History. Do you think I should keep that off my application? Will it hurt my crappy job prospects?

Sincerely,

Doug, 23, Philadelphia

Dear Latte Jockey:

Cactus say, of course not! History majors always work crappy jobs because dere degrees don’t mean nuthin’! But Mistah Shit love you guys! History and Philosophy majors always my best customers for da chronic!

Feline Feelings:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year. It’s pretty devastating, but the worst part is that my boyfriend is going to keep the kitten I bought him. Puddin is my cat too! I am so upset I just cry every time I think about it! How could he take my Puddin away? It’s not fair!

B. 19, Lakeside, NJ

Dear Cat Fancier:

Cactus say, what wrong witchu? Can’t ya leave da man any pussy? All right, if ya want da cat back, all ya got to do is start hanging out with yer ex’s friends. Tell him how he loves dat cat! How he look like a little cat lady wit da cat. When you visit, bring da cat a pink frilly scratchin post, some sweaters and a new leash dats pink with rhinestones. A few weeks of his friends calling him gay and Puddin will magically reappear in yer life!

Chronic Economics:

Dear Señor Cactus:

How do you think the economy will affect weed prices?

Mark, 21, Anchorage, Alaska

Dear Winter Weed Wacker:

Cactus say, he don’t know, but Mistah Shit do! Weed prices are gonna go down, mon! Waaaaaaay down! More people smokin’! What else ya gonna do when ya lose yer job? It make unemployment hilarious, mon!

Master Lesbian:

Yo, Señor Cactus:

I work with this hot girl who claims to be a lesbian. I think she’s bi. She just doesn’t seem that into her girlfriend. I mean, she turned me down, but I think she’s just bi. How can I get her into guys again?

Art, 18 Camden County College

Dear Dreaming at CCC:

Cactus say, ya livin in a fantasy world, mon! Every guy want da girl who’s really into girls too! You would have so much in common! And maybe she’d like scratchin her ass, burping and watchin sports! Ya want her ta be into you, not just “guys”. So unless ya want ta take a whole lot of hormones and cut her junk off, forget it her mon!

Prop Master:

Señor Cactus:

I didn’t Vote against Proposition 8 because I confused what was going on in the voting booth. I thought voting against 8 was voting against gay marriage, not against the ban. Now my gay friend is mad at me. How do I make it up to him?

Joe, 20, Sacramento, CA

Dear Mormon Enabler:

Cactus say, dis happen all da time, mon. You not alone! Cactus knows dat when Mistah Shit go to da polling place, he usually very stoned. Two elections ago, I went into a photo booth by mistake and spent $58 takin’ pictures of meself tryin’ ta vote. One election ago, I confused da peep show booth with da voting booth. I voted for “Desiree” and jerked off ta John Kerry. So I knows how ya feel. If I was you, I would start smokin pot so at least I had an excuse for next time.

└ Tags: Mistah Shit, Señor Cactus

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Nov10

Frat Boy At the Movies: Changeling

by tonyd on November 10, 2008 at 3:06 pm

Yes, there is some very brief nudity with Angelina Jolie in Changeling. It’s one of those sort of prisoner-gets-hosed-down scenes. Not very sexy. She’s smokin’ hot during the rest of it, but that’s not really what the movie is about.

Changeling is based on the true story of the Wineville Chicken Coop Murders. A serial killer targeted young boys, including Walter Collins, in Wineville, CA in 1928. His mother, Christine, went to the police after he disappeared. The cops stumbled upon another boy, who lied and said he was Walter to get a free trip to California. But when the cops realize their mistake, they insist Christine take the other boy anyway because they don’t want to admit their mistake.

John Malkovich plays a fiery pastor/radio personality that helps Christine fight the police corruption. Directed by Clint Eastwood, the movie is yet another amazing piece of cinema. It’s not as awesome as say, Unforgiven, but it is really a crisp piece of film making that captures not only the time period, but the essence of what makes a real corruption scandal. Half the theater, oblivious to the sort of police behavior the movie portrays, probably just shrugged and said, “Well, that was 1928.” The rest of us took one look at the movie and said, “Yeah, that’s how it works.” Because, when it comes right down to it, the scandal is about the law enforcement community’s own hubris. Even when faced with the possibility of a child serial murderer, the cops are still trying to figure out how to cover their own asses.

There is a little to no action or comedy, so the movie is kind of a downer, but Eastwood manages to deliver one ray of hope for the waiting mom at the end.

If you’re looking for explosions and titties, look elsewhere. If you want to see a great piece of nuanced film making, see Changeling. I give it 9 out of 10 beer kegs.

└ Tags: Changeling, Frat Boy at the Movies

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Nov05

Frat Boy At the Movies: RocknRolla

by tonyd on November 5, 2008 at 2:10 am

In RocknRolla, Guy Ritchie returns to his old directorial stomping grounds: English hoodlums, rock music and flashy camera work. The premise is a little convoluted: A group of hoods called “The Wild Bunch” have been screwed over by a bigger hood named Lenny Cole. This forces the bunch to pull some robberies that they would not otherwise commit and it just so happens a hot accountant (played by Thandie Newton) has got the gig. She works for a Russian mobster that needs to hide his money, so when he moves it is the perfect time to steal it since it is off the books. The Wild Bunch do this, but this money, of course is part of a bigger deal with the Russian mobster and Lenny. The impact from this robbery continues to ripple and bounces back and messes about with the dynamic of the local underworld economy. Although my knowledge of organized crime tells me this is a more realistic plot, my knowledge of screenwriting tells me he probably should’ve gone with a more simpler premise.

Now you might ask, what does this have to do with the title. That’s part of the problem. The RocknRolla is Johnny Quid, a junkie rockstar, only he doesn’t show up to a good third of the way into the movie. He’s sort of built up as a guy that destroys everything he touches and I sort of expected him to devastate everything in his path when he finally did interact with the characters. That doesn’t quite happen, but there is an awful lot of swell mayhem, rock music and English guys yelling at each other to “Fok off!”

If I had to compare it to “Snatch” and “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” I would say this: The earlier two movies had thieves and hoodlums that were mostly incompetent or too greedy for their own good. The Wild Bunch actually has their act together mostly, so while they do get a bit over their heads, it’s not as epic as the characters from the first two movies. Still, there is a nice plot device that ties the whole movie together. And even though I didn’t feel for “The Wild Bunch” as much as I felt for the main characters in the previous movies. Maybe there were too many people to keep track of. I would’ve trimmed two or three characters to narrow the focus. RocknRolla is still very entertaining. (Although I am a big fan of Ritchie’s crime movies, so take it with a grain of salt.)

Jeremy Piven and Ludacris are in the movie, but quite frankly, they are wasted. Their parts could’ve been played by anyone. That’s not to say they aren’t good, they just aren’t really given much to do. Mark Strong as the narrator, Archie, is pretty good, but his narration doesn’t drive the movie as consistently as you’d expect.

Ritchie sets up Johnny Quid for a sequel, which I suspect might be more along the lines of what I was looking for in this movie. Maybe he’s just regaining his sea legs, I don’t know. I was expecting a big action scene at the end and what you get feels a little uneven. Ritchie tends to kill a lot of his characters, maybe he sacrificed that for the sequel set up. I would rate this as third compared to the other two, but not such a distant third. I give it 7 out of 10 beer kegs and I look forward to the sequel.

└ Tags: Frat Boy at the Movies, RocknRolla

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Nov03