Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Credit Crunch in Cali:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My girlfriend and I have been living together since freshman year. During that time, she had a part time job and helped me pay off my credit card. Now it is senior year and we are engaged. She quit her job last year and now I’m working a paid internship that will eventually become a job. Unfortunately, she is charging way too much stuff. I don’t think we can afford, but she says I owe her since she bailed me out a few years ago. How do I get her to stop spending?

Jake, 22, USC

Dear Sucker:

Cactus say, ya already signed on for dis! Whatchu tink marriage is, mon? Ya want ta get her ta stop spendin’, stop takin her lazy ass out! Also, whatchu thinkin? Since freshmon year, mon? C’mon! Dere too much pussy out dere! She already get half yer stuff if yer married! She just gettin’ a jump on you mon!

Jobless in Philly:

Dear Señor Cactus:

Now that the economy is bad, I’m back to working crap jobs. I have a degree in History. Do you think I should keep that off my application? Will it hurt my crappy job prospects?


Doug, 23, Philadelphia

Dear Latte Jockey:

Cactus say, of course not! History majors always work crappy jobs because dere degrees don’t mean nuthin’! But Mistah Shit love you guys! History and Philosophy majors always my best customers for da chronic!

Feline Feelings:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year. It’s pretty devastating, but the worst part is that my boyfriend is going to keep the kitten I bought him. Puddin is my cat too! I am so upset I just cry every time I think about it! How could he take my Puddin away? It’s not fair!

B. 19, Lakeside, NJ

Dear Cat Fancier:

Cactus say, what wrong witchu? Can’t ya leave da man any pussy? All right, if ya want da cat back, all ya got to do is start hanging out with yer ex’s friends. Tell him how he loves dat cat! How he look like a little cat lady wit da cat. When you visit, bring da cat a pink frilly scratchin post, some sweaters and a new leash dats pink with rhinestones. A few weeks of his friends calling him gay and Puddin will magically reappear in yer life!

Chronic Economics:

Dear Señor Cactus:

How do you think the economy will affect weed prices?

Mark, 21, Anchorage, Alaska

Dear Winter Weed Wacker:

Cactus say, he don’t know, but Mistah Shit do! Weed prices are gonna go down, mon! Waaaaaaay down! More people smokin’! What else ya gonna do when ya lose yer job? It make unemployment hilarious, mon!

Master Lesbian:

Yo, Señor Cactus:

I work with this hot girl who claims to be a lesbian. I think she’s bi. She just doesn’t seem that into her girlfriend. I mean, she turned me down, but I think she’s just bi. How can I get her into guys again?

Art, 18 Camden County College

Dear Dreaming at CCC:

Cactus say, ya livin in a fantasy world, mon! Every guy want da girl who’s really into girls too! You would have so much in common! And maybe she’d like scratchin her ass, burping and watchin sports! Ya want her ta be into you, not just “guys”. So unless ya want ta take a whole lot of hormones and cut her junk off, forget it her mon!

Prop Master:

Señor Cactus:

I didn’t Vote against Proposition 8 because I confused what was going on in the voting booth. I thought voting against 8 was voting against gay marriage, not against the ban. Now my gay friend is mad at me. How do I make it up to him?

Joe, 20, Sacramento, CA

Dear Mormon Enabler:

Cactus say, dis happen all da time, mon. You not alone! Cactus knows dat when Mistah Shit go to da polling place, he usually very stoned. Two elections ago, I went into a photo booth by mistake and spent $58 takin’ pictures of meself tryin’ ta vote. One election ago, I confused da peep show booth with da voting booth. I voted for “Desiree” and jerked off ta John Kerry. So I knows how ya feel. If I was you, I would start smokin pot so at least I had an excuse for next time.