If your birthday is this week:  You will be flooded by social media alerts from friends telling you they don’t have time to wish you a happy birthday today.

Aries:  You’ll write a horrible country song about bears stealing baloney.

Taurus:  You’ll realize, to your horror, that you’re woke, but you’re not that woke.

Gemini:  The stars say, never fall in love with the cashier at the CVS, they can know everything about you from looking at that massive receipt.

Lemini:   You’ll storm Area 52 by mistake and find a unguarded warehouse full of old jeeps.

Cancer:  You’ll discover that the “freelance massage” you get on the bus is not normally offered on any other bus.

Leo:   You’ll win a game of chicken, but lose a game of “Sensibly Turning Out of the Way of an Oncoming Car”.

Virgo:  Somehow, you’ll impress a date by getting Chick-fil-a on a Sunday.

Libra:   The Greek God Zeus will appear to you and ask you where the best place to get a gyro is.

Scorpio:  The sex toy shortage is a crisis, but you’ll get through it with the supplies you have.

Sagittarius:  Your investment in Sean Connery’s mansion pays off.

Capricorn:  You’ll face a stiff penalty for baking obscenely shaped cookies for the church bake sale.

Aquarius:  Your significant other will express their love only through memes.

Pisces:  Despite your break from writing horoscopes, they’re not any funnier when you start writing them again.