If your birthday is this week:  Some sadist will bake you a gluten-free cake made from squash.

Aries:  Things will get really weird in the produce aisle this week.

Taurus:  Your cookie intake more than triples this week.

Gemini:  This week, you’ll realize that after 12 hours, no one else is playing the Hide and Seek game you started.

Lemini:   You’ll find out that the supermarket can demote you from stockboy to the guy that has to clean the customer bathrooms.

Cancer:  You’ll share an awkward moment peeing with the pilot of your hot air balloon ride.

Leo:   Despite your protests, your host insists that his barbecue wasn’t “pants optional”.

Virgo:  You’ll say “Hello” on Twitter and everyone will call you a racist.

Libra:   Your girlfriend announces that she’s “ethically monogamous” so she’ll finally tell you about all the other dudes she’s banging.

Scorpio:  You’ll announce that you’re ethically monogamous so you can continue to bang other dudes.

Sagittarius:  This week, China calls and asks you how much will you pay for the info about you they got from Mark Zuckerberg.

Capricorn:  You’ll discover that “Check my Moles” isn’t a very popular YouTube Channel to start.

Aquarius:  Putting your iPhone inside some rice doesn’t work and it really pisses off the sushi chef when you interrupt him.

Pisces:  You’ll unexpectedly find money, but then again, dead bodies usually have some money on them.