If your birthday is this week:  Your Amazon birthday cake will be delivered in 2-5 days.

Aries:  You friends on Facebook will start talking to you again because you finally stop complaining about the ending of Avengers: Endgame.

Taurus:  Your hopeful co-workers will keep throwing you a going-away party.

Gemini:  The Amish Mafia leaves you a warning in the form of a newly raised barn that isn’t properly painted.

Lemini:   Turns out, that granola you’ve been eating is actually kitty litter.

Cancer:  You will get a phone call from a surprising place…your ass.

Leo:   A troll will stop you on a bridge and pester you about saving money on long distance.

Virgo:  You’ll get the world’s longest CVS receipt and spend most of the week waiting for it to print.

Libra:   The Democrats will demand you testify about the Mueller Report because you once read an online article about it.

Scorpio:  Your dry cleaner gives you back the wrong gimp suit.

Sagittarius:  A co-worker will give you excellent financial advice while sexually harassing you.

Capricorn:  You’ll realize that printing your own money has zero chance of working if you keep pointing out your picture is on it.

Aquarius:  For the second time in a week, the aquarium reminds you there are no “samples” to try.

Pisces:  The stars say, it’s going to be a good week, but you type your own horoscope so that might just be wishful thinking.