If your birthday is this week:  Despite the full moon, all your werewolf buddies claim to be too busy for your birthday party.

Aries:  Wearing a tuxedo on the bus gets you in a fight with a guy because he claims you think you’re better than him.

Taurus:  You’ll have an uneventful trip to the supermarket, unless you’re in Florida, where you’ll be bitten by an alligator on meth.

Gemini:  The cops will explain that taking bets at the dog park on the fastest dogs is not legal or very smart.

Lemini:   You’ll meet a very special person and step in their poop somehow.

Cancer:  The girls scouts name a cookie flavor after you called “Depressed Macaroon”.

Leo:   It turns out, you painting billboards “freelance” is just vandalism.

Virgo:  The robot you build cries until you agree to marry it so it can stay in this country.

Libra:   Your sneakers will smell so bad, the neighbors will come by to complain.

Scorpio:  Get to the store today, those coupons are expiring and a deal on dildos like this only comes once in a lifetime.

Sagittarius:  Your Tinder date asks if serving you Hot Pockets still counts as buying you dinner.

Capricorn:   This week, you’ll eat your weight in cottage cheese.

Aquarius:  You discover that dusting your pasta with powdered sugar is pretty good.

Pisces:  You’ll find out they killed the MCU and rant about on your YouTube Channel.