If your birthday is this week:   Your mother calls to remind you that your birthday’s not all about YOU!

Aries:    You step on a crack and your mother calls complaining that her favorite football team lost.

Taurus:    Despite the tasteful nudity, your mother doesn’t like her card.

Gemini:  You ignore your mother’s advice and start your Game of Thrones show blog anyway.

Lemini:  It turns out, your mother lied and you weren’t adopted.

Cancer:   Your mother loves the flowers, but asks for the receipt for “no reason”.

Leo:  Your mom shows everyone her birthing video of you and again, chastises you for your large head.

Virgo:   Your mother doesn’t get her candy, but her mailman does come down with diabetes.

Libra:   You will be forced, after the fire, to explain why cooking you breakfast in bed is taking it too far.

Scorpio:   Your mother will let you borrow her discount card for the local sex dungeon.

Sagittarius:   Your ma puts you on hold because an important telemarketer is calling.

Capricorn:   You will share a brief hug from your mom before she’s taken back to her cell.

Aquarius:   Your mother insists on making dinner on Mother’s Day, which is awkward because you’re already at the restaurant where you booked reservations.

Pisces:   You mother’s cool, which is why you’re out of pot.