If your birthday is this week:  After Tony DiGerolamo’s birthday last week, your birthday week pales in comparison.

Aries:  The stars say, “Never let a stranger with a foot fungus borrow your toothbrush.”

Taurus:  You’ll plug in your phone drunk and realize the next morning you spent all night recharging a piece of toast.

Gemini:  You’ll wind back your clock too far and end up in the 1880’s.

Lemini:  This week, although you’re the one that gets kicked in the crotch, somehow you end up apologizing.

Cancer:  An elephant will steal your Pop Tarts and destroy your kitchen in the process.

Leo:  You’ll get baked in a bookstore and convince yourself you’re studying at Hogwart’s.

Virgo:  Your YouTube channel featuring bums jousting with shopping carts shuts down after Sir Collects-Cans-A-Lot starts his own channel.

Libra:  You’ll invent a new milkshake flavor called “Extra Chunky Chocolate Blue Cheese”.

Scorpio:  You’ll bang the wrong meter guy and get a very high electric bill.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover that telling your insurance company that the Kool-Aid man broke through the wall of your house isn’t a way to get paid quickly.

Capricorn:  Your doctor advises you to stop making YouTube videos where you eat nothing but mayo.

Aquarius: You’ll realize that your alarm clock’s been going off for two years and you’ve just been tuning it out.

Pisces:  You’ll be beaten by girl scouts for posting criticism of Captain Marvel.