If your birthday is this week:   Your Communists friends will insist on getting an equal number of gifts at your birthday party.

Aries:   You’ll realize that marketing a barbecue-flavored soda isn’t going to make you money.

Taurus:  You’ll realize you don’t have a food fetish, you’re just fat.

Gemini:    Your book about bringing inanimate objects to life, will get up and run away.

Lemini:   You’ll be fired from your cake decorating job for writing “Fuck You” in icing on everything.

Cancer:  This week, you’ll realize not to stiff the Starbucks barista when she makes your latte with dirt.

Leo:  Your cat will sue you for defamation for calling her a “bad kitty”.

Virgo:   The girls at the massage parlor assure you that you don’t have to buy them candy for Valentine’s Day.

Libra:    You will find the answers to life’s mysteries inside an abandoned Mets mascot uniform.

Scorpio:   You’ll be taught the meaning of “pegging” during a surprise demonstration.

Sagittarius:  Your ice cream man will start delivering ice cream sandwiches using ex-paperboys, so if you don’t hear the ice cream hit the stoop you’re going to have a mess on your hands.

Capricorn:  You’ll get baked in your backyard, then trim all your shrubs to look like bongs.

Aquarius:  The circus will turn you down, but the Freak Show will keep your resume on file for three months.

Pisces:  You’ll manage to hack the computers at Chick-fil-a and give yourself unlimited waffle fries for life.