If your birthday is this week:    You’ll get 17 calendars this year, a new record.

Aries:    The stars say, for the last time let it go. Trump won in 2016.

Taurus:  In an attempt to get rid of all their Christmas leftovers, you’ll find that your mother filled your pockets with egg nog.

Gemini:    A hungover Santa will emerge from the guest room with your sister and promise to call her.

Lemini:    You’ll finally kiss someone on New Year’s and won’t everyone on the prison bus be surprised!

Cancer:  Your Tinder date will request a urine sample and enough information to run a credit check.

Leo:  Two wacky burglars break into your house after you accidentally leave your kid home on a family vacation, but instead of finding a bunch of wacky stuff to trap the house, he finds your gun and shoots them.

Virgo:   Your friends on Facebook request fewer updates on you.

Libra:    Your New Year’s will consist mostly of eating raw cookie dough and farting just as the ball drops at midnight.

Scorpio:    You will calculate that you’ll need to give at least 18 more blowjobs before 2019 to break your previous record.

Sagittarius:    You will be in a hilarious car accident with a clown car. The other passengers will die from the incessant honking.

Capricorn:  You’ll invent a new donut flavor called “Winter Sneeze”.

Aquarius:  You’ll realize that your YouTube channel for sticking stuff up your ass, has a limited audience.

Pisces:    Your franchise of rat-based cuisine doesn’t work, despite the Ratatouille tie-in.