If your birthday is this week:    You will get a suspicious amount of candy canes and sugar cookies in your birthday presents.

Aries:    Santa will come rushing out of your bathroom shouting, “It won’t flush! Sorry! Gotta go!”

Taurus:  You will spend the day after Christmas cleaning reindeer shit off your roof again.

Gemini:    Some green asshole with no pants breaks into your place, but you and your roommate beat him to death.

Lemini:    You try laughing off the stocking full of colored eggs, but we all know Santa is starting to lose it.

Cancer:  You’ll drop that magic hat while visiting your drug deal and that’s how Frosty the Cocaine Man is born!

Leo:   You will find Jeff Bezos standing at your chimney with a satchel full of gifts, but he’ll gesture “Shhh!” and then up the chimney he’ll go on his drone.

Virgo:   Santa sends you a letter back and for the 10th year in a row tells you he can’t fit prostitutes on his sleigh.

Libra:    After you report what Santa tweeted five years ago, his account is suspended and Christmas is canceled, but hey, keep believing you’re not the asshole.

Scorpio:    You acquire a rare elf STD this year.

Sagittarius:    Grandma gets run over by a reindeer and you sue Santa for everything he’s worth.

Capricorn:  The stars say, you can only pretend to be Jewish for so long to avoid the holidays, but the Chinese food continues to be awesome.

Aquarius:  The gingerbread men will sexually harass your fruitcake.

Pisces:    You’ll get that time machine for Christmas so that you can move to the future to avoid the holidays, but once you unwrap it you realize it’s too late.