If your birthday is this week:   You friends pool their money and buy you an escort and she makes you an awesome cake.

Aries:  You’ll discover that eating an entire pie by yourself is really awesome, but frowned upon in the middle of the supermarket.

Taurus:  You will be mailed another coupon anger management classes and beat the shit out of your mailman.

Gemini:  This week, the sperm bank pays you the gross interest on your deposit.

Lemini:  The voices in your head give you very sound financial advice.

Cancer:  While playing Pokemon Go, you’ll look up and realize that you’ve walked onto a minefield and you missed the Dragonite.

Leo:  Your invention of the car toilet will not be approved by the patent office.

Virgo:  The stars say, the caterer at your Intervention will be terrible this year.

Libra:  You won’t stand by while an old lady is mugged, you run so the mugger doesn’t move on to you.

Scorpio:  You poly-relationship party is kicked out of the venue for having too many people in it.

Sagittarius:  Facebook will start sending you junk mail about not being on the Internet so much.

Capricorn:  You will brush your teeth with a non-toothpaste, tube substance twice this week.

Aquarius:  The cop that pulls you over writes you a fine for that fart you laid while he was talking.

Pisces:  You bookie sends a lovely greeting card along with his threat this week.