If your birthday is this week:   When you open your first gift, you’ll find a bloody human liver and then your aunt will scream “Oh, my God!  They must’ve put your Xbox One in Grandpa!”

Aries:  You will be banned from the nudist colony for excessive hair.

Taurus:   This week, you’ll win a Scrabble game using nothing but racist words.

Gemini:  Amazon warns you for the fifth time that you don’t have to tip the drone that delivers to you.

Lemini:   That person you’re carrying a torch for tells you to put it out before you burn their house down.

Cancer:   You will invent a new cereal, but no one wants to eat Frosted Mung.

Leo:   Despite your best attempt to get them drunk, the toll taker still insists you pay and keep moving.

Virgo:  You will be visited by three ghosts: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Libra:   While shopping for a new washing machine, the salesperson keeps pushing the one machine that boasts a “skid mark” control function.

Scorpio:  You discover your phone doesn’t have enough space for hook up apps and your porn.

Sagittarius:   You spaghetti dinner will be ruined because you insist that your monkey eats with the family and he voted for Trump.

Capricorn:   A unicorn will visit you and take a huge rainbow dump on your front lawn.

Aquarius:   You will be pleasantly surprised during a mugging.

Pisces:   You’ll write you astrology predictions at five in the morning, so they won’t make a whole lot of sense monkey purple dishwater.