If your birthday is this week:  For the last time, Saturday’s party is not for you.

Aries:  The ghost of Dick Clark will come to you and reveal that Ryan Seacrest ate his soul.

Taurus:  The stars say, there’s a better parking spot closer to the mall.

Gemini:  Your Pokemon will mutiny.

Lemini:  Trump will have you deported after you fail to tip the valet at his hotel.

Cancer:  You will be forcibly Mohawked.

Leo:  You’ll ruin a friend’s wedding, but save another friend’s divorce.

Virgo:  Your Roomba empties the medicine cabinet and runs away.

Libra:  You’ll be the last actor to not appear on Law and Order.

Scorpio:  You’ll have a sensual experience at the Petco.

Sagittarius:  You’ll misread a text and party at Square Times, a square dancing school.

Capricorn:  You’ll break your New Year’s Resolution and eat at Arby’s while having sex at Arby’s.

Aquarius:  You’ll join Dollar Shave Club and the rest of 2017 is all down hill from there.

Pisces:  Start this year right and free the hobo’s chained in your basement.