If your birthday is this week:  This week, you’ll be used as another excuse to eat cake at work.

Aries:  You’ll lose all your hair in a dice game.

Taurus:  You weight will exceed your credit score.

Gemini:  The fortune in your fortune cookie will say, “Cookies can’t tell you the future.”

Lemini:  You paperboy starts delivering your newspaper to your better looking neighbor.

Cancer:  You’ll be tasered by those girl scouts you stiffed.

Leo:  The stars say, the all-you-can-eat buffet is nothing without an all-you-can-poop bathroom.

Virgo:  You’ll be tickled by a government worker.

Libra:  You’ll find a twenty dollar bill on the corpse of a coworker.

Scorpio:  You’ll make sweet love to Hall, but not Oates.

Sagittarius:  You’ll live out your dream of eating just the top of several cupcakes.

Capricorn:  You’ll find spiritual enlightenment in a Burger King bathroom.

Aquarius:  You’ll be profiled in a news segment for being so boring.

Pisces:  You’ll be fed a delicious cheesesteak while you sleep.