If your birthday is this week:  Bernie Sanders shows up to the bar to buy you and your friends drinks, then insists the government pay the tab.

Aries:  The stars say, stop using “Brexit” as a verb.

Taurus:  You will punch some kind of a farm animal in a fit of rage and because it beat you in Stratego.

Gemini:  This week, pay homage to the previous generation by digging up their graves and defiling their corpses just like they did to the generation before that.

Lemini:  You’ll be called a “racist” for your political views and because you keep dressing up like a ghost.

Cancer:  You’ll be recruited to the Philadelphia Sixers after successfully identifying a basketball.

LeoPeter Dinklage will pick your pocket as he rides by on his razor scooter.

Virgo:  The animals in your lab get super smart and demand James Franco star in a movie with them.

Libra:  Your pet gorilla shaves himself and gets a job working for the Trump campaign.

Scorpio:  You will make sweet love to a robot, but afterwards it automatically calls you on your cellphone ever .2 seconds.

Sagittarius:  Clean out your fridge.  Seriously.

Capricorn:  Your Russian mail-order bride comes damaged in the mail, so all she does is limp around in circles in your living room.

Aquarius:  Your GPS might be trying to kill you by making you drive into dangerous neighborhoods and spelling out racial slurs in Morse Code using your car’s horn.

Pisces:  You’ll correctly predict the ending of Game of Thrones and ruin the show for yourself.