If your birthday is this week:  You’ll finally be too old to gawk at high school cheerleaders without someone talking about calling the cops.

Aries:  No matter how many episodes you watch, you still don’t understand Dragonball Z.

Taurus:  You’ll get punched in the junk by a little bearded person for asking him to join the Fellowship of the Ring.

Gemini:  Your castle staff will discover that you switched places with the real duke.

Lemini:  Your pants will malfunction at an inopportune moment.

Cancer:  You’ll finally sell that pair of joke pants to an unsuspecting Lemini.

Leo:  You will discover that Lemini is not a real astrology sign.

Virgo:  The stars say, beware because you owe the stars money and the stars wanna get paid.

Libra:  You will mispronounce most words this week.

Scorpio:  You’ll go on another drunken binge and add several items to the list of inanimate objects you had sex with.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover that Pop Tarts are even better deep fried.

Capricorn:  Your roommate will eat all the decoy food, but use all the real toilet paper in the bathroom.

Aquarius:  A co-worker will slap you on the behind and say, “Nice job.  Now you slap me.”

Pisces:  You will discover that Vietnamese gum is no different than American gum.