If your birthday is this week:  Most of the guests of your birthday party will still be hungover, so everyone will whisper “Surprise.”

Aries:  You’ll read your future, but then dismiss it because you read it on a comedy site.

Taurus:  The stars say, you’ll accurately predict that Donald Trump’s VP will be his toupee.

Gemini:  The impatient ninja ahead of you in line in Starbucks will kill the barista with a throwing star for putting too much caramel in his Venti Mocha-Caramel Cappuccino Latte.

Lemini:  You’ll win 2nd place in a “Best Looking Dog” contest.

Cancer:  In the middle of loaning someone your pants, you’ll realize you went commando.

Leo:  This week, whenever you look out the window, the plastic pink flamingos move a little closer.

Virgo:  You’ll need to borrow some pants from a Cancer.

Libra:  You’ll find out that “mustache ride” doesn’t mean what you think it does in Mario Brothers.

Scorpio:  You’ll purchase an extraordinary sensual cheese this week.

Sagittarius:  Things get crazy at work and coincidentally, the water cooler is spiked with LSD.

Capricorn:  Your parents will continue to pressure you to be at least as successful as their family pet.

Aquarius:  A very talented monkey will steal your Vespa.

Pisces:  Your week will be full of ups and downs, plus you’ll finally use up all those rollercoaster coupons.