If your birthday is this week:  You will discover that your heart-shaped birthday cake is a leftover from Valentine’s Day 2013.

Aries:  Yesterday, giving candy out was cool, today, out of your van, it’s just creepy.

Taurus:  You will find true lust behind a gas station dumpster.

Gemini: The stars say, make your own way in life because that cult leader you follow is mentally ill.

Lemini:  Scientists will offer you $50 if you allow them to study why you’re such a loser.

Cancer:  The YouTube video of you handing out candy to kids on Halloween, will be taken down for too many swears.

Leo:  The TSA guy that feels you up, turns out to be a guy in costume from the previous day.

Virgo:  You will host a night of trivia about MacGyver that ends in a fistfight.

Libra:  This week, the tables will turn and now you’ll be the only person in class with pants on.

Scorpio:  Someone will borrow your nipple clamps and return them unwashed.

Sagittarius:  Your prank fires aren’t really pranks if you take money to set them.

Capricorn:  The ghost of Patrick Swayze will insist you don’t know how to cook wings the proper way.

Aquarius:  You will know your lamb is undercooked when it gets up and runs away.

Pisces:  The stars say, leave some room for desert because you enjoy an arid climate and don’t know how to spell desert.