If your birthday is this week:  The pizza delivery guy will wish you a happy birthday, but he will not stay for a slice.  He will suggest you make more friends.

Aries:  Your smart phone will alert you that it is full.  If you’re not into Hentai and have no idea what it is, then it’s a virus.  Otherwise, you have a different problem.

Taurus:  The stars say, no one gives a shit what color that dress was so stop talking about it.

Gemini:  The aliens that abduct you will allow you to tweet while you’re being anally probed, but no twit pics.

Lemini:   Your parents decide to take a break and see other children, they assure you that it’s them and not you.

Cancer:  You will have some cottage cheese after wandering home drunk, but discover later that it’s actually expired milk.

Leo:  Your old football coach will call just to make sure you still don’t play for the Jets.

Virgo:  Vladimir Putin will cut in line in front of you at the Cinnabon in the food court.  You’ll let it go this time.

Libra:  Your old Star Wars action figures will briefly come to life and ask you why didn’t you spend your money on getting laid.

Scorpio:  Your line of sexually suggestive condiments sells well in Utah Wal Marts.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, let yourself have a day off.  Being an asshole 24/7 is exhausting.

Capricorn:  You will be haunted by the ghost of your old dial up modem and it will take forever.

Aquarius:  You will becomes friends with a matador who will send you free steaks.

Pisces:  When life gives you lemons, why do you throw them at people from your car?