If your birthday is this week:  Your car gives you a birthday surprise trip to the woods by suddenly careening off the road unexpectedly.

Aries:  Your lotto numbers are 12, 28, 29, 37 and bees.  Mostly it’s bees because a hive has grown inside the ping pong ball machine.

Taurus:  You decide against popcorn at the movie theater, leaving only your soda cup to stick your penis through the bottom.

Gemini:  Don’t put that pen in your mouth, you don’t want to know where your co-worker’s been sticking it.

Lemini:  The judge will rule in favor of you punching that toddler.

Cancer:  Aquaman will stop by your place, check it for “evil octopi” and then try to charge you a $4 service fee.

Leo:  The stars say, be patient or be doctor, either way.  (Stars grammar no so good.)

Virgo:  A potential work love interest turns out to be someone that just wants to steal your office supplies.

Libra:  Gordon Ramsey will stop by to scream at you while you make yourself a sandwich.

Scorpio:  Your K-Y storage tank ruptures and drowns your neighbor’s dog.

Sagittarius:  You try to pass that bill in Congress, but it’s blocked by the fact that you’re not in Congress.

Capricorn:  You will be haunted by the Classified Section of a daily newspaper.

Aquarius:  Your future self will arrive to warn you about something, then just sit on your couch and get high.

Pisces:  Your cholesterol level is now equal to your IQ, which means you’re either a dead genius or a live moron.