If your birthday is this week:  Once again, your asshole friends give you handfuls of candy they don’t like.

Aries:  Vanilla Ice and some Amish guys will gut your living room and then realize they have the wrong house.

Taurus:  The stars say, that next fart isn’t really a fart.  Clench and get to a toilet.

Gemini:  An out-of-breath fat kid in a Captain America costume will knock on your door and ask for candy.

Lemini:  You’ll meet an older version of you time traveling to the past.  He ask if you’ve been raped by the rhino yet.

Cancer:  Your roommate will clean the fridge and now everything you eat tastes like Lysol.

Leo:  While getting a key made at the hardware store, you’ll drop your front door key into a bucket reject keys.

Virgo:  You’ll spot Tom Cruise running, being chased by cameras.  He’ll stop to sign an autograph and then keep running.

Libra:  Your cat sues you to get moist food every day.

Scorpio:  Your Halloween orgy leaves everyone with the wrong pieces of costume, again.

Sagittarius:  Parker Brothers rejects your proposal for a Scrabble game aimed at an illiterate audience.

Capricorn:  The barrista at Starbucks simply writes “douchebag” across your cup.

Aquarius:  You discover that your healthcare plan doesn’t cover straining your wrist while using the TV remote.

Pisces:  Your training for Thanksgiving begins in earnest.  Keep at it and you’ll be able to down an entire turkey with stuffing this year.