If your birthday is this week:  In a not-so-subtle hint, our parents will give you a cake in the shape of an “Apartments for Rent or Lease” magazine.

Aries:  A Norse god will land in your back yard and demand a tribute.  Fortunately, your beer will do just fine.

Taurus:  Your fantasy football team will go on a fantasy football strike.

Gemini:  While raking the leaves, you’ll find that body you lost.

Lemini:  The stars say, you should attend the Comic Book I-Con sponsored by the Iowa Comic Book Club.

Cancer:  You will have a sneaking suspicious that you left the iron on, until you remember that you’re a nudist and don’t wear any clothes.

Leo:  A senile tooth fairy will suddenly start stealing your money and replacing it with tiny teeth.

Virgo:  You jug band rehearsal will be delayed this week after one of your members is called away to Switzerland on business.

Libra:  Your overly specific horoscope makes you realize that the predictions are coming from inside your house!

Scorpio:  You will have sex in a dark alleyway with the wrong Tinder hook up again.

Sagittarius:  You will get into a sledgehammer-related incident in the hardware store.

Capricorn:  This week, your boss will have some input on that project you’ve been working on.  Mostly, he’s going to take credit for it.

Aquarius:  You will play a trivia game and here are all the answers:  The Moors, Rudolf Hess, 1842, Mary Shelly, Mollusk, The Battle of Hastings, JFK, field hockey, sodium carbonate, Roman Polanski, four quarts and the Larch.  Unfortunately, this may not be the order of the answers, sorry.

Pisces:  You will make so many puns, Congress will pass a resolution tell you to shut up.