If your birthday is this week:  You will receive an inordinate amount of penis enlarging medication.  Someone is reading your emails!  Happy birthday from the NSA!

Aries:  Although landmines do kill the gophers you’re after, it also destroys several newspapers and the paperboy.

Taurus:  You will be taunted at a rest stop by the last surviving California Raisin.

Gemini:  This week, you’ll punch a genie and get three extra wishes.

Lemini:  You will miscount the horseshoes and get dinged on the head during the last throw.  You will dream of horses throwing regular human shoes for sport.

Cancer:   The stars say, get really fucking high this week.

Leo:  You Cancer customer will buy three times as much weed.

Virgo:  You quit Facebook, but Mark Zuckerberg drives by your house and keys your car.

Libra:  Your garbage man will touch you inappropriately.

Scorpio:  Your garbage man will touch you inappropriately…finally!

Sagittarius:  You will get elbowed in the face by a mentally challenged kid on the subway.

Capricorn:  A worker at Lowes assures you that you have the right tools for the job, but he is worried that it won’t work because you kind of look like a fuck-up.

Aquarius:  A Hooters waitress will give you ten dollars if she doesn’t have to sit and talk to you.

Pisces:  Your dog will return home after two weeks, but insist it’s only been ten minutes.