If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday card will be full of crispy bacon.  Nice!

Aries:  Your toll taker will become obsessed with you, making bridge crossings awkward in the future.

Taurus:  Your Facebook friends will hold an intervention about all the God damn cat pics you post.

Gemini:  You will strain a muscle during the only exercise you get: playing iPhone games.

Lemini:  The woman to whom you asked to spread sunblock on your back will spell out the word “jackhole” across your shoulder blades.

Cancer:  That sampler person in Costco isn’t hitting on you, they just want you to try that new seven-grain bread.

Leo:  You will accidentally see a Channing Tatum movie and realize half way through it’s not supposed to be a comedy.

Virgo:  The stars say, stay out of the donut shop for awhile, you have to let other people get a chance to eat them.

Libra:  Showing everyone that move you used to do on a skateboard allows you to show everyone how quickly an ambulance can get to your house.

Scorpio:  Good news, your punch card for bikini waxes means the next one is free.

Sagittarius:  You will be haunted by the ghost of your Myspace account.

Capricorn:  You will discover that by ordering at Starbucks, you’ve waved you rights not to be kicked in the nuts by a barrista.

Aquarius:  The Chinese guy at the novelty store will tell you not to get your Gremlin wet, but you’ll buy him PCP anyway.

Pisces:  You’ll watch Game of Thrones and it will continue to be awesome.