If your birthday is this week:  Beware.  One of your birthday oysters is actually just the waiter’s loogie.

Aries:  The stars say, turn left, than right two blocks, another right and you’ll find that handjob place next to the liquor store.

Taurus:  You’ll discover that it is the motion in the ocean and not the cushion for more pushin’.

Gemini:  Your baker will be arrested for creating slanderous pastries.

Lemini:  You will wake up with your roommate breathing on your cheek.  He’ll demand to know if you touched any of his frozen egg rolls.  Then you will remember, in horror, that you already killed your roommate months ago.

Cancer:  Congress will declare your ass a national landmark.

Leo:  This week, prepare for the wurst.  You’ll be visiting a German restaurant and it’s delicious.

Virgo:  You will get into an argument with someone online, see their point of view, change yours and apologize for your comments.

Libra:  Your online MMO character will go on strike for better benefits.

Scorpio:  You will suspect that your sex toys have been cheating on you.

Sagittarius:  You will discover that lighting a campfire shouldn’t involve more than five trees.

Capricorn:  Sticking your hand in a hornet’s nest and giving them the finger won’t intimidate the queen.

Aquarius:  You’ll discover a new kind of porn, but won’t be able to finish to it.

Pisces:  Your Yard Sale will be a success, mostly because you sold all your good shit too.