If your birthday is this week:  Although you’ve been horrible this year, after Santa’s sleigh side swipes you in a parking lot, you get some great gifts if you promise not to turn it into insurance.

Aries:  You finally learn to spell Hanukkah, but then you forget.

Taurus:  The stars say, the lines in the store are long because you do your shopping on the way to visit your relatives on Christmas Day.

Gemini:  Jack Frost will nip at your nose and you will be the shit out of that touchy fucker.

Lemini:  You’ll spend a lonely holiday watching the Green Lantern movie.  It doesn’t get any better.  The movie, not your holiday.

Cancer:  You holiday will jingle-jingle, but not jangle.

Leo:  The sweaters you get this year for Christmas are much less uglier than the previous year.  So there’s that.

Virgo:  You will be taken to the hospital with a near-fatal nog overdose.

Libra:  Frosty the Snowman will come to life on your front lawn, then trip and sue you for damages.  Fortunately, he melts halfway through the lawsuit.

Scorpio:  You will have a sensual encounter with an elf.

Sagittarius:  You will finally get your big break in comedy, mainly because no one else in the soup kitchen has anything else to do other than listen to you.

Capricorn:  You will find a reindeer carcass with a red nose has been blocking your chimney this entire time.

Aquarius:  You will be stalked by a mall Santa until you agree to sit on his lap.

Pisces:  You presents are the same as every year:  ham, ham, ham!