If your birthday is this week:  You’ll be so busy this week, even you will forget your birthday and in anger, stop talking to yourself.

Aries:  Your online friend Edward asks you to check the apartment rentals in Venezuela and not to ask anymore questions.

Taurus:  You will be visited by three ghosts, all of which would like to borrow money.

Gemini:  The stars say, check your pockets before you launder them.  Typically, Girl Scout cookies don’t survive a wash.

Lemini:  Your long lost brother returns and insists on seeing the Lone Ranger this week.  You decide to wait another few decades to see him again.

Cancer:  You will be struck by a baseball and mugged by the San Diego Padres.

Leo:  Your car will be towed out of your parking space and back into the same space before you notice, but you’ll know.

Virgo:  Your girlfriend will finally reappear and you will be able to sue that magician.

Libra:  A crackhead will whisper the secrets of the Universe to you, but you’ll be too uptight to listen just because he’s peeing on you.

Scorpio:  This week, you’ll have to cut back and will decide you’re putting far too much make up on your genitals.

Sagittarius:  You’ll get a golden ticket!  Unfortunately, it’s just the cops making their speeding tickets look nicer.

Capricorn:  You’ll find that thing you were looking for last week and lose something else that you need right now.

Aquarius:  The sixty-eight cents you have in your pocket will change to another denomination of money as you’re reading this.

Pisces:  You’ll sneak out of the house to eat sushi again, because $9.95 per person, all-you-can-eat at this place, is fucking unbelievable.