If your birthday is this week:  You will receive unlimited data and messaging plan with your new fax machine.

Aries:  Your tribute to the troops catches fire, probably because you build it out of coffee cans half full of gasoline.

Taurus:  You will find Waldo.  He’ll be video taping you while you’re pooping.

Gemini:  You will discover that the squirrels in your yard are conspiring against you.  Fortunately, the acorn tree in your side yard is a constant distraction for them.

Lemini:  This week, Dr. Dre will stop by your crib and call you a little bitch.

Cancer:  Your milkman will leave nothing but Diet Coke this week, which is weird because no one has a milkman anymore.

Leo:  Amanda Bynes will come up to you during a Memorial Day parade and ask if you are holding.  Don’t disappoint her.

Virgo:  Your surfing teacher begins your first lesson by taking you to McDonald’s and insisting you eat four Big Macs before hitting the water.  He may not be legit.

Libra:  That vibrating chair you keep sitting in might be damaging the part of your brain that controls reading because etrijoy agha ghdbhye.

Scorpio:  A porn star will turn down the offer to have sex with you because they fear the risk.

Sagittarius:  Tonight, while you’re sleeping, you’ll hear what sounds like someone walking up the stairs with an axe.  This isn’t true.  The guy with the axe got there way ahead of time and is slowly sliding out from under your bed.

Capricorn:  You will be the first person to taste test Brussel Sprout pie.

Aquarius:  Woodrow Wilson’s ghost will appear to you and insist you invade Syria.

Pisces:  You spend most of this week eating Cheetohs and watching Arrested Development on Netflix.