If your birthday is this week:  You will get what you think is a really awesome hover board for at your birthday party.  The truth is, you just got really, really high by yourself instead.

Aries:  Due to a mix up, your massage will end with a Happy Meal.

Taurus:  The stars say, watch Dr. Who on BBC.  It’s pretty good.

Gemini:  This week, your uncontrollable flatulence gets you a new job.

Lemini:  Your editorial cartoon against gun violence gets you shot.

Cancer:  A baseball player will dedicate his next strike out to you.

Leo:  This week, you’ll roll to the front of the parking lot to see if there’s a closer spot, but there won’t be one.

Virgo:  You will do terrible things just to watch the new season of Arrested Development.  Later, you realize you could’ve just bought Netflix.

Libra:  You will find a harmonica in your tuna salad.

Scorpio:  Your trip to the gas station will be more erotic than usual.

Sagittarius:  You will discover that diving for the ball is generally frown upon in Beer Pong.

Capricorn:  Your “Bread Lending Library” last only a few days.

Aquarius:  You will try a new gambling system at the casino, but it won’t work.  Casino bosses rarely recognizing crying like a little bitch to get your money back.

Pisces:  You will win the lottery just in time for the economy to collapse.