If your birthday is this week:  Your mother will throw you a passive aggressive birthday party.  Enjoy…even though she broke her back to make that cake.

Aries:  You mother’s present gnaws out of the gift box before you get to the restaurant.

Taurus:  You will surprise your mother by assuring that the restaurant you picked won’t need reservations, but then again, McDonald’s never does.

Gemini:  Your mother will pressure you to get married as always and, as always, you’ll remind her that you’re married to dying alone.

Lemini:  Your mother will reveal that you’re adopted and that she always thought you were sexy.

Cancer:  The stars say, you mother will text you a “Thank you” sometime around 4pm you cold, distant bastard.

Leo:  Turns out, gift cards were a horrible idea.  Your mother is getting a boob job with them.

Virgo:  Everything will go fine on Mothers’ Day, until your mom realizes that you’ve regifted her something she sent you at Christmas.

Libra:  Mom will love your gift, but really, who doesn’t like crack once they’re tried it?

Scorpio:  You mother loves her gift, but the escort service does charge you extra for Latino body builders.

Sagittarius:  The person you were cloned from will love the Harry and David gift basket you purchased.

Capricorn:  You mom will greatly appreciate her gift because she can never afford bail on her own.

Aquarius:  Once again, you’ll try and contact the test tube where you were created, but the test tube has no hands to answer the phone.

Pisces:  Your Mothers’ Day dinner will consist of a lot of pasta and criticism.