Freak Pet Would Clog Toilet After Death

Scientist One Step Closer to Bionic Woman

Hillbillies Continue to Enjoy Sport

Palestinians Trying to Die Without Getting Blown Up

Fat Kids Moving Even Less

Politician Hoping to Disarm Populace

Insurance Company Look Good to Increase Obscene Bonuses

Economy Still Shit

News Anchor Spins Demotion

Chinese Army Drafts Nerds

Rich People Get News to Use Their Press Release

FDA a Bunch of Killjoys