If your birthday is this week:  Your fortune cookie will have a message that says, “Never trust a cookie.”

Aries:  You will meet Drew Carey in a restaurant and he’ll ask if you’re eating the rest of your fries.

Taurus:  The Spirit of Procrastination will appear to you in a dream, but forget what he had to tell you because the spirit didn’t write it down.

Gemini:  Your phone will ring.  It will be another telemarketer, but this one has a pleasant voice.

Lemini:  Baskin Robbins names a new flavor after you.  It’s called “Fat Fuck”.

Cancer:  The stars say, blow off work and relax.  But remember, the stars never had to pay bills, so…

Leo:  Your roommate will catch you masturbating, but you turn the tables on him by yelling, “Surprise!”

Virgo:  You will injure your neck dumpsters diving.  Perhaps you’re doing it wrong.

Libra:  A bald guy with a scar will demand the microfilm, then apologize when he spots another person wearing the same jacket as you.

Scorpio:  You’ll sprain a groin muscle having sex again.  This is what you get for not warming up first.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll realize the only reason you escaped during your bank robbery last Wednesday was because everyone was out in the street in a mask.

Capricorn:  Your pirate roommate refuses to stop paying his half of the rent in doubloons.

Aquarius:  You will find the body a Trick or Treater on your front lawn and steal his candy before calling the cops.

Pisces:  Your “No more baseball and I can watch the Simpsons” Party is a huge success.