Your Fratoscope: October 14, 2012on October 14, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: A rat will jump out of your cake dressed in a very slutty costume. Apparently that’s what passes for rat humor these days.
Aries: You will punch a girl scout. It will be totally justified.
Taurus: You will jump the gun on the zombie apocalypse and getting arrested for shooting extras from The Walking Dead.
Gemini: The stars say, turn you TV down, the commercials are way too loud.
Lemini: Jesus will come to you in a dream and demand that you justify your draft picks in Fantasy Football.
Cancer: This week, you’ll discover that your cat’s gambling debts far exceed the money he makes.
Leo: Your name will come up to the top of Google every time you search for the word “prick”.
Virgo: You might want to cut back on the caffeine. This week a crazy homeless guy will turn to you and say, “Settle down!”
Libra: That blue cheese you’ve been eating turns out to be just regular cheese with mold on it.
Scorpio: Your pizza delivery person will arrive with no pants. Be ready.
Sagittarius: You will create the lowest rated reality show in history, “Addicted to Butlers”.
Capricorn: Unless you like stuff glued to your genitals, don’t pass out at your roommate’s party.
Aquarius: Neil Patrick Harris will cut in line in front of you at the CVS. Trust him, it’s important.
Pisces: You pet monkey throws you a surprise birthday party, for the fourth time this year he gets the date wrong. C’mon, he’s a monkey. He don’t understand time.