If your birthday is this week:  A rat will jump out of your cake dressed in a very slutty costume.  Apparently that’s what passes for rat humor these days.

Aries:  You will punch a girl scout.  It will be totally justified.

Taurus:  You will jump the gun on the zombie apocalypse and getting arrested for shooting extras from The Walking Dead.

Gemini:  The stars say, turn you TV down, the commercials are way too loud.

Lemini:  Jesus will come to you in a dream and demand that you justify your draft picks in Fantasy Football.

Cancer:  This week, you’ll discover that your cat’s gambling debts far exceed the money he makes.

Leo:  Your name will come up to the top of Google every time you search for the word “prick”.

Virgo:  You might want to cut back on the caffeine.  This week a crazy homeless guy will turn to you and say, “Settle down!”

Libra:  That blue cheese you’ve been eating turns out to be just regular cheese with mold on it.

Scorpio:  Your pizza delivery person will arrive with no pants.  Be ready.

Sagittarius:  You will create the lowest rated reality show in history, “Addicted to Butlers”.

Capricorn:  Unless you like stuff glued to your genitals, don’t pass out at your roommate’s party.

Aquarius:  Neil Patrick Harris will cut in line in front of you at the CVS.  Trust him, it’s important.

Pisces:  You pet monkey throws you a surprise birthday party, for the fourth time this year he gets the date wrong.  C’mon, he’s a monkey.  He don’t understand time.