If your birthday is this week:  You will be offered an new and exciting business opportunity, at least, that’s what you pimp will call it.

Aries:   Billionaire Warren Buffet will pay a trumpet player to wake you up at the crack of dawn, starting tomorrow, for the next six years.  It’s one of the many “charities” he’s giving his money to.

Taurus:  Finally, you will be recognized for the serious political opinion you often espouse.  Unfortunately, the guy interviewing you for the “news” actually works for the Daily Show.

Gemini:  The stars say, don’t park your car there.  The guy next to you is an asshole who doesn’t pay attention when he opens his door.

Lemini:  You will drop some really awesome acid and it will eat a hole right through the floor of your apartment.

Cancer:  This week, you will discover you have a knack for killing gangsters.  Sadly, you also have a terrible time distinguishing gangsters from normal guys in suits.  Nothing will be the same after you visit to the Mens Warehouse.

Leo:  A magical jelly bean will offer you three wishes if you let it go.  Instead, you confirm your suspicions that talking jelly beans are the tastiest ones of all.

Virgo:  You will a raffle.  Unfortunately, your prize is to be forcibly bikini waxed.

Libra:  The PTA will choose you to forcibly bikini wax someone.  That’s what you get for volunteering.

Scorpio:  Once again, you’ll find that your roommate has borrowed all your sex lube.  Fortunately, he did just make an incredibly greasy batch of pulled pork.  Your genitals smell delicious afterwards.

Sagittarius:  Iron Man will land on your house, steal your Christmas lights and take off.  No one believes you when you tell them.

Capricorn:  A bear driving a Lexus will cut you off in traffic.  Don’t flip him off.  He has a gun.

Aquarius:  You’ll get a great idea to melt your ice cream in the microwave before eating it.  You’ll then discover that eight minutes is about seven and half minutes too long to do that.

Pisces:  Your stalker will tell you to lose some weight.