If your birthday is this week:   Room service during your Syrian vacation will be spotty at best, but stay inside your room.

Aries:   Your spec script for Workaholics will accidentally be used as rolling paper.

Taurus:  Turns out, that flooded basement won’t be your biggest problem today.  It’ll be the corpse you find floating in the water.

Gemini:  Pack your bags, they found the body.

Lemini:  Someone finds you!

Cancer:  Your fortunes change for the better.  The price of that STD cream you use goes way down.

Leo:  Your bros attempt to smoke all your weed, but just end up smoking your spice rack  Better get some more oregano tomorrow.

Virgo:  Your bacon monster won’t come to life this week, but your roommate will eat one of its legs if you’re not careful.

Libra:   Do not attempt to find Harry Potter, Sherlock Holmes or any other fictional British character.  That thing was just for the Olympics.

Scorpio:  Your trip to Wendy’s ends with sex…again.  But this time do you remember to take your Baconator with you afterwards.

Sagittarius:   You will get a pizza with the words “Fuck U” written in pepperoni.  You might want to start tipping.

Capricorn:  Superman will save you, but then say, “Watch this!” and kick your car into the sun.

Aquarius:  An out of breath Santa Claus will stop by, toss you a box of toys and say, “Here.  You’re done.”

Pisces:  Your bagel will be delicious.  Have another.