It’s time for the Rewritten News with you Rewritten News Team.  Stay informed with all the news that’s fit to rewrite.  This is Rewritten Headlines!

Real: Thousand Year-Old Mummies Found in Peru

Rewritten: Old Country Buffet to Open Chain in Peru for New AARP Members

Real: Supreme Court Says Double Jeopardy Does Not Protect Against Murder Retrial

Rewritten: Supreme Court Still Mostly Full of Douchebags

Real: Donald Trump “Thinking” About Starting a Super PAC

Rewritten: Rich Guy Considers Another Way He Might Satiate His Own Greed

Real: Apple’s Next Invention: The I-Pen?

Rewritten: Steve Jobs Noticeably Dead

Real: Clinton:  U.S. Hacked Yemeni Al-Quaeda Websites

Rewritten: Nerds Recruited for War on Terror

Real: Curt Schilling’s 38 Studios Lays Of All Staff

Rewritten: Professional Athlete, Better at Sports Than Business

Real: Kim Swaps Her Sexy Style For Old Hollywood Glamour

Rewritten: Kim Kardashian Still In News for Some Reason

Real: Mark Sanchez Shines While Tim Tebow Throws Two Interceptions in NY Jets OTA’s

Rewritten: God No Longer Has Tebow for His Fantasy Football Team