Welcome to the Rewritten News.  News!  Without tact!  Just the fact!

Real: CDC:  Passenger on Delta Flight Did Not Have Monkeypox

Rewritten: Delta Airlines Now Monkeypox-Free

Real: Biden Trumpets Obama’s Foreign Policy Successes

Rewritten: Government Worker Kisses Boss’s Ass

Real: World Hails Taylor War Crimes Conviction

Rewritten: World Hails War Crimes Conviction in World’s Weakest Country

Real: Starbucks Sales in China Contribute to Earnings Rise

Rewritten: Chinese Now Addicted to Choco-Mocha Lattes

Real: Fringe Renewed For a Fifth Season on Fox!

Rewritten: X-Files Just Won’t Die

Real: NHL Fans Let Loose With Racist Comment After Loss

Rewritten: Hockey Fans Even Bigger Douches Than Previously Thought

Real: Despite Veto Threat, House Passes Cyber Security Bill

Rewritten: Congress Still Working Hard to Fuck Up Internet

RealTwitter for iPhone, Android Updated With Better Search and Discovery Features

Rewritten:  Annoying Tweets Expanded for Other Assholes to Use

Real: Mars Researcher Spies Odd Lava Spirals

Rewritten: Lonely Scientist Has Boring Conversation With Reporter

Real: Doctor Says He’s Found the Actual G-spot

Rewritten: Doctor is Going to Get Laid a Lot