If your birthday is this week:   You will realize that parade was not for you.  It was St. Patty’s Day and you just happen to love green and drunken Irish people.

Aries:   You will eat several moldy objects in your fridge, mistakenly believe that they are the “Irish” version of those foods.

Taurus:   You will find that a dead Leprechaun has been blocking your rain gutters.

Gemini:    The stars say, it turns out you’re not Irish, so you’re hungover for nothing.

Lemini:    This week, you will poop green.  Next time, mix the food coloring with beer before your drink it.

Cancer:   Your World of Warcraft character will be forced to move back in with his parents.

Leo:   Your attempt to rid New York City of its snakes will not go unnoticed.  The zookeepers call the cops.

Virgo:   You will make sweet love to the Boston Celtics mascot costume.

Libra:   You will attempt to parody a Weird Al song, but merely end up with a normal hit song.

Scorpio:  The lawsuit against your bondage gear maker will be settled and you’ll finally get those nipple clamps off.

Sagittarius:  You won’t get to read this horoscope until Wednesday when you come out of the alcohol-induced coma.

Capricorn:  The stars say, every time you drink something bad happens.  This week, you’ll wake up and find yourself elected Mayor of Detroit.

Aquarius:   You will have sex with Meatloaf and be forced to make something else for dinner.

Pisces:   Your family attempts to get you on the TV show Intervention, but it turns out you’re not addicted to video games, you’re just lazy.