Time for the news.  Unfiltered for you pleasure.

Real:  Afghanistan’s President Karzai: Get US Troops Out of Our Villages

Rewritten:  American Puppet Asks Puppetmaster to Cut Him Some Slack

Real:  Rod Blagojevich Enters Federal Prison in Colorado to Start 14-Year Sentence

Rewritten:  Reality Show Star to Get Dose of Reality

Real:  iPad Launch: Walmart Selling Device From Midnight

Rewritten:  Poor People to Marvel at Magic Clipboard

Real:  Kashmir Scientists Clone Rare Cashmere Goat

Rewritten:  Quality Sweaters to Become Dirt Cheap

Real:  Wang Injured in Game Against Yankees

Rewritten:  Wang Injured in Game Against Yankees

Real:  Google Making Search Smarter

Rewritten:  Google Making Finding Your Particular Fetish Easier

Real:  Secret White House Wine No Longer Secret

Rewritten:  Reporter Pulls Bullshit Story Out of Ass

Real:  UK: 7,000 More Women Have Faulty Breast Implants

Rewritten:  7,000 English Women’s Boobs Match Teeth