Time for the news.  Unfiltered for you pleasure.

RealAfghanistan’s President Karzai: Get US Troops Out of Our Villages

Rewritten:  American Puppet Asks Puppetmaster to Cut Him Some Slack

RealRod Blagojevich Enters Federal Prison in Colorado to Start 14-Year Sentence

Rewritten:  Reality Show Star to Get Dose of Reality

RealiPad Launch: Walmart Selling Device From Midnight

Rewritten:  Poor People to Marvel at Magic Clipboard

RealKashmir Scientists Clone Rare Cashmere Goat

Rewritten:  Quality Sweaters to Become Dirt Cheap

RealWang Injured in Game Against Yankees

Rewritten:  Wang Injured in Game Against Yankees

RealGoogle Making Search Smarter

Rewritten:  Google Making Finding Your Particular Fetish Easier

RealSecret White House Wine No Longer Secret

Rewritten:  Reporter Pulls Bullshit Story Out of Ass

RealUK: 7,000 More Women Have Faulty Breast Implants

Rewritten:  7,000 English Women’s Boobs Match Teeth