If your birthday is this week:    Your World of Warcraft character will discover Jesus and give up being a 35th level Wizard.

Aries:   You will go to bed with the girlfriend you’re cheating on and wake up with your junk wrapped up in packing tape.

Taurus:   The stars say, you’ll drink a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce on a bet.  You’ll win the bet, but you’ll become addicted.

Gemini:  You will be flashed in the envelope isle of a Staples.  It’ll cause you to forget to buy Post-its.

Lemini:  Your Mafia uncle will finally call in that favor.  You’ll have to wash his car.

Cancer:   Your hunting trip will go horribly wrong.  Somehow, the ducks will get a hold of your gun.

Leo:  You will be sexually propositioned by a toll taker, but you’ll decide that’s a bridge too far.

Virgo:   This week, you’ll visit the zoo.  You’ll see a monkey wearing the same shirt as you.

Libra:   Jackie Chan will fall through your skylight, apologize in broken English and then run away.

Scorpio:   Your gimp will escape again.  You’ll eventually catch him, but he’ll have ruined his leather mask.

Sagittarius:   That bucket of oysters you eat for lunch won’t sit well and neither will the box of chocolates you attempt to wash it down with.

Capricorn:   Bazooka Joe comes to your door and sets you up for an awful joke.  He’ll write down your response and run away shouting, “It’s mine now!”

Aquarius:   You will find your dog and the neighborhood dogs playing craps for the milk bones you gave him.

Pisces:  The stars say, don’t answer your door.  It’s a group of peasants with pitchforks and that’s never good.