Time for the news you can use, Rewritten Headlines! News filtered for your pleasure.

Real: Starbucks Coffee Shipped 100 Million K-Cup Packs at Late 2011

Rewritten: Nation Can’t Sleep, Doesn’t Know Why

Real: Sajak:  Vanna and I Drank Between Tapings

Rewritten: Viewers Not the Only Ones Bored With Wheel of Fortune

Real: Scientists Take Another Step Toward Creating Cloak of Invisibility

Rewritten: Scientists Spending Too Much Time Reading Harry Potter

Real Senate to Look at Congressional Insider Trading Bill

Rewritten: Senate to Laugh at Congressional Insider Trading Bill

Real: How Wearing High Heels Regularly Can Ruin the Way You Walk: Even After You Take Them Off

Rewritten: Strippers Ruin the Least Important Part of Their Bodies, Says Study

Real: New Drone Has No Pilot Anywhere, so Who’s Accountable?

Rewritten: United States Builds Terminator Prototypes