The news is so depressing these days. Let Tony D be your filter with Rewritten Headlines. It’s news that doesn’t take long to read!

Real: Pigeons Are Brilliant At Math

Rewritten: Disgusting, Flying Rat Good for Something

Real: North Korea Media Dubs Young Kim “Outstanding Leader”

Rewritten: Spoiled Douchebag Runs Country and Media

Real: Study on HIV Treatment Called Biggest Breakthrough of 2011

Rewritten: Butt Sex to Become Much Safer

Real: NHL Suspends Penguins’ Engelland for Three Games for Head Hit on Marcus Kruger

Rewritten: NHL Suspends Player for Making Hockey Interesting

Real: Seth Rogen Attached to Disney Spy Comedy “The B Team”

Rewritten: Seth Rogen Thankfully Not Working on a “Green Hornet 2”

Real: Bush 41: Mitt Romney is the “Best Choice”

Rewritten: Man Who Fathered World’s Worst President Tries to Pick Next One