If your birthday is this week:  Your Jedi application will be rejected after a picture of you wearing Spock ears surfaces on the Internet.

Aries:  You will win your ebay bid, but will regret buying Vince Vaughn’s old pants.

Taurus:  The stars say, take in your trashcans.  The garbage men came hours ago.

Gemini:  You’ll be the first guest on Tosh.O to fail at a web redemption.

Lemini:  This week, you’ll get all your Christmas shopping done.  Mostly because everyone in your family dies.

Cancer:  You’ll eat way too many pancakes.  The paramedics will say more than anyone they’ve ever seen.

Leo:  This week you’ll realize that you’d better rake the leaves before they organize and kill you.  Either that or you’re doing too much meth.  Either way, yard work wouldn’t kill you.

Virgo:  Your corrective surgery will finally clear your nasal passages, allowing you to finally smell your own B.O.  Turns out, your monthly shower wasn’t cutting it all this time.

Libra:  The bong fairy visits.  He brings you a new bong, but smokes all your weed and eats the rest of the pizza.

Scorpio:  You will experience the most intense orgasm of your life this week.  Guess that RealDoll you had made of yourself was worth every penny.

Sagittarius:  This week, you will host a GOP Presidential Candidate Debate in your basement.  You’ll be the third person on your street to do so.

Capricorn:  Your English to Spanish dictionary may have many misprints, as your attempt to supervise your lawn maintenance guys ends with them doing the Thriller dance.

Aquarius:  You may have a problem as your children will no longer take bets from you.

Pisces:  You vast knowledge of cartoon cereal mascots will save you from a Crunchberry Beast attack.