Welcome to the Rewritten News! Let’s face it, you’re sleepy from eating turkey leftovers. You don’t have time to read entire articles, let the Rewritten News help.

Real: Black Eyed Peas Taking A Break, Deny Breaking Up

Rewritten: Black Eyed Peas Breaking Up

Real: Police Probe U. of Hawaii Point-Shaving Allegation

Rewritten: University of Hawaii Not Involved with Child Molestation

Real: For “Breaking Dawn” Fans, One Viewing is Not Enough

Rewritten: Hot Topic to Stay in Business

Real: Stock Slides as Government Lowers Growth Estimate

Rewritten: Rich People Making Slightly Less Money

Real: On Mars Rover, Tools to Plumb a Methane Mystery

Rewritten: Mars May Be Full of Farts

Real: Meditation Keeps Mind on Track

Rewritten: Obvious News Story Confirms Hippie Beliefs