If your birthday is this week:  Your attempt to privatize sidewalks in your town backfires.  Now you can’t walk down your street without buying a Happy Meal.

Aries:  You will have a dream that your girlfriend’s breast implants play music.  When you awaken, you will find that you’ve given your radio alarm clock a brumpski.

Taurus:  You’ll get really high this week and stuff your roommate’s Blu Ray player with cheese.

Gemini:  You’ll find Wolf Blitzer sitting in the back seat of your car.  When you turn down his offer of spooning, he’ll jump out and run away.

Lemini:  You will buy a really ugly shirt this week.  Unfortunately, it will go great with the rest of your wardrobe.

Cancer:  The stars say, there is no “acceptable” amount of rabbit feces to bake into chocolate chip cookies and it’s probably a bad idea to eat them just to “prove” you’re a good baker.

Leo:  Your Cancer roommate steals your bag of rabbit feces.  You’ll have to start over collecting it next week.

Virgo:  Your Japanese tattoo looks cool, but you’ll find out it actually means “Pig Fucker”.

Libra:  This week, the Aquarium will throw you out.  Turns out, giving massages to the exhibits creeps everyone out.

Scorpio:   Having sex with the Chinese food deliverer because you forget to go to the ATM is getting old, even for them.  This time he brings a whip and a feather along with your General Tso’s.

Sagittarius:  Your car won’t be too damaged from the accident this week, however, your mechanic will have a hard time prying the dead clowns from your grill.

Capricorn:  The stars say, you will cut a fart that’s so nasty during your poker game, everyone folds to get away from you.  Nice.

Aquarius:  The stars say, stop drinking colored food die if you want your poop to come out blue.  You can just eat a lot of blueberries you weirdo.

Pisces:  Your amateur porno doesn’t go over well.  Turns out, you need other people in it.