Hey bros!

Time to check the news. As always, I hate the news because it takes too damned long to tell me things. I say, why not let the headline give it away.

Real: “Dr. Death” Jack Kevorkian Dies

Rewritten: Media Finally Ends Use of Nice Doctor’s Grim Nickname

Real: John Edwards denies Federal Charges

Rewritten: Man Who Listened to Penis Still in Trouble

Real: Dow Falls in Longest Slump Since 2004 Amid Concerns About Economy

Rewritten: Rich Guys Preparing to Ask for New Bailout

Real: Yemen’s President Wounded but Defiant

Rewritten: Reporters Find One Guy That Won’t Out Live Gadaffi

Real: Judge urges NFL and players to reach agreement

Rewritten: Judge tells millionaires to fix their own problems

Real: Jersey Shore Season Four Debuts August 4

Rewritten: Millions Wish That Apocalypse Happens Before August