If your birthday is this week:  The bad news is, your prescription gets mixed up with someone else.  The good news is, your prescription gets mixed up with someone who got much better shit from his doctor.

Aries:  You find Waldo.  He tells you to stop following him.

Taurus:  Your mother will call this week and remind you to get going on her Mother’s Day gift.  Better pull out the stops this year.

Gemini:  You curse out a meter maid for giving you a ticket.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t ticketing your car.  See you in court!

Lemini:  The stars say, stop poking the bear.  Seriously.  It’s a bear.

Cancer:  You’ll be bitten by a glittery vampire.  Don’t worry, the sun will be up shortly after.

Leo:  This week, despite your cursing at the TV, your sports team will lose.

Virgo:  Jesus will return to, but when he sees you, he just gets a disappointed look on his face and disappears again.

Libra:  Your years of research pays off and the time machine is a success.  Unfortunately, after you go back in time, your earlier self takes one look at you and decides he’d rather start working out than be a scientist.

Scorpio:  It will be a slow week for you and kind of a boring weekend orgy.

Sagittarius:  Your Japanese pizza delivery guy arrives two minutes late, instead of giving you a free pizza, he kills himself.  Next time, just give him the coupon.

Capricorn:  Batman will save you from an axe wielding maniac.  Make sure you tip.

Aquarius:  The stars say, it’s still not okay to make a joke about the Japanese tsunami, but go nuts with Katrina.

Pisces:  Your business venture moves ahead smoothly as a surprising number of people decide that they’d like to purchase heated pants.