If your birthday is this week:  Remember, the leprechauns are not real.  You don’t have to listen to them.  Squirting that cop with mustard is your choice.  Also, that pot you bought may have been laced with something.

Aries:  You will discover that cult you joined is not Scientology and that priest you’ve been sleeping with is not Tom Cruise.

Taurus:  You will wake up drunk, on a Monday, in the parking lot of the liquor store with an empty bottle of beer still in your mouth and no car.  You will then realize you have a problem.  You don’t have any money left to buy Jack Daniels and continue drinking.

Gemini:  You will discover the frat brothers are lying to you.  Rush Week has been over for months and you’re not a bro.  The brothers just like the way you make French Toast and detail their cars.

Lemini:  The stars say, if you ask for a happy ending at the massage parlor and the masseuse spends the entire time laughing at you while she does it, is it really a happy ending?

Cancer:  Your roommate comes back from the movie “The Roommate” and it’s very scary, as she describes it as the funniest comedy she’s seen in years.

Leo:  This week, you will find out that the camera crew and “doctor” that emptied your house was not from the reality show “Hoarders”.  The good news is, your couch is now clean.

Virgo:  The stars say, fold.  You can’t beat that inside straight.

Libra:  You will be mugged by someone from your Ethics Class.  The irony will be wasted on him.

Scorpio:  Your free week on Chemistry.com is a huge success mainly because you’ll fuck almost anyone on a first date.

Sagittarius:  Bad news, you get alcohol poisoning for the fourth time and have to get your stomach pumped.  The good news is, one more time and the next time is free.

Capricorn:   It’s time for you to stop vandalizing your neighborhood with graffiti.  Mainly because, you’re spelling is terrible.

Aquarius:  Your girlfriend may be more experienced with sex than you.  She describes the taste of your semen as “bitter with a hint rosemary”.

Pisces:  You will be the one millionenth customer at McDonald’s.  Your prize is, you’re banned from ever eating there again.